My Blog, My Kids, My Life

I am not really a fan of common fortune cookie phrases that people rattle off. Although they hold some truth they are usually half hatred and said just to say something. It is true that everything happens for a reason, but why? I personally like to say "that it is ALL our experiences in life that make us the person that we are, even the bad ones". I hold this saying pretty close to me. I have learned over the past several months that I am who I am because of everything I have been through, the good, the bad, the ugly and whatever life has thrown at me. I embraced my depression for bringing me new friends and closer to my husband. Although now I am pretty sure that I was trying way to hard. The past few days I have been rough, but I think that I lost focus. I forgot what life was about and forgot about those people who have been there for me no matter what. I have a really good e-mail/phone friend and I seemed to have forgotten that she is always there for me and that I can go to her for anything and I am truly sorry for that. I am in no way saying that I am forgetting my real life friends, just not forcing anything and basking in what I have. Through this "rough time" I have learned It is not always all about you, their problem is not your problem and life goes on even if you can't find someone to go to a movie with. I took my daughter to a movie and it was so much fun. Matt and I are going to start going on our own, while the other one watches the kids, and see a movie. I think that sounds like great fun. I am sick of waiting for life, I am going to get out there and catch it. I also caught up with an old friend from high school. I bumped into her before Christmas, but besides that I haven't seen her in almost 12 years. She has two kids ages 4 and 2, in going to school for nursing and is on Prozac for depression. We are trying to get together a play date and maybe a mom's night out. I am just looking for someone to hang out with. That is all. I will go from there. I will confide in my hubby, mom, mother in-law and good e-mail friend. I think that I was pretty much being pushed into a friendship by my depression and emotions. I am still this person's friend and will forever be. That is not something I take lightly. I am going to back off. So, that is me. I am doing better and excited for my therapy session tomorrow, it couldn't come sooner.

It one of those days. You know the one. The one where you can't focus at all and your heart is racing because you are so anxious. Yeah, one of those days. I am probably being overly dramatic, but the last time Matt said that to me it ended up with Grace having to have a bronchial scope.

My friend wants to talk to me tonight and I am so nervous. Nervous about getting hurt like I have in the past, nervous about how I have hurt her and nervous about how this will effect our friendship. As sad and pathetic as it sounds, she is all I've got and I always get nervous that is too much along with all my other issues.

I am not well versed with words. I seem to think better when I get to sit down and type it all out. My brain to mouth filter works better that way. I don't want tonight to be all about me, I want it to be about her. I am going to focus on that. Sometimes I says things and they sound right to me, but they are completely wrong. My hubby has gotten used to this fact and has made me well aware of the fact. I do have a problem grasping words. Always have.

She is having something done on Tuesday and I would really like to be there for her in some way. She has been there for me.

You know how you feel when you first start dating. As strange and awkward as this sounds that is how I feel about this friend. I love being around her and I want to spend every second that I can with her. Mind you I am home all day with two kids. I know that is not possible, but I just wish we could spend more time together outside of the youth. I guess I am a rookie when it comes to all this. I consider her my best friend and I haven't had one of those since I was a child, very literally. The last one I had that came close conspired getting me fired and went behind my back to do stuff to make me look bad. She knew for like a month that it was coming and never said a word.

I am scared that she is going to say that she can keep me as a friend and not a best friend right now, but I really don't think that is something that she would do. I just want to be as good as a friend to her as she is to me. I am NOT going to turn out like my mother and have no real friends and have to result in laying all my burdens on my daughter. That is not fair and I personally know how that feels.

Yes, I have a husband and I tell him EVERYTHING, there is nothing in my life that man does not know about. He has seen me at my very best and also at my very worse. There is just something about have another women to talk to. I am finding out that it is VERY important for women to have that. As great as my man is, he is not a women. There are just things that he cannot possibly understand, but God love him he tries and that means the world to me. For the first few years of my marriage I thought that Matt was all I needed, along with a relationship with God. Boy was I wrong. No wonder men don't understand women, I don't even understand me half the time.

I guess I need more then one female friend and that is a given, but it is so hard when you stay home with two kids for your job. This is going to sound so bad, I already know that, but I guess at times that I am jealous that she has other friends. Which is strange for me. I am not a jealous person. Neither Matt and I are and we never really have been. I have absolutely no right in the world to be like that and it is wrong, I know that and I am working on it. I told you that I feel like a teenager dating again. How sad is that?!

I guess it boils down to the fact that I can think of 5 cases right off the top of my head where I have been burn badly by friends, not only am I scared to death of it happening to me again, but I am scared of doing it to my friend. Yeah, I have a very good e-mail friend, but a face to face friend is something that you can never trade or do with out.

I talked to my therapist about it yesterday and I wish I could say that she eased my worry, but I think she intensified it a little more. Didn't know that was possible, but hey it was. She gave me some excellent advice that I will totally keep in mind tonight. She also told me that often depressed people are too needy for some people to handle and maybe she just needs some time apart for a while. I don't think that is it, because my depression has been great. I had two bad days, but hey I am entitled to it, after all I have had 4 good weeks in a row. I finally feel that my depression is under control.

I do make a lot of jokes about my depression, but that is how I was taught to handle things like this. In my family we make jokes about bad situations. Maybe it is not appropriate and I know that it isn't always and that is one thing that I am going to work on. I see myself as in remission from depression and that it is part of who I am, and it is and always will be. I have learned a lot from my depression and gained so much from it. That has made it all worth it. I have become a better person, so I would like to think anyways and I am learning to care less what other people think and to truly love myself. God has given this to me for a reason and I am handling it the best way I know how.

Another thing that I want is for my friend to feel free to come to me with anything. I am in it for the long haul, the good, the bad, the ugly and the not so nice. I already told her this, but I take my friendship to her as seriously as my marrieage commitment. Hey, maybe that is my problem. Maybe I shouldn't look at is like that.

I have poured so much of my heart out to her and put it all on the line, it is just that fear of being hurt. She knows more then anyone else on this earth about me, beside my hubby of course. She knows it all and I have never been like that with anyone before. I just hope that she can or will be able to view me the same why I view her.

All in all I am going to be quiet and listen tonight and not make it about me, because it is not.  I have been praying so much the past few days and I am ready for anything. Even though it probably wont be near as bad as everything that I have fabricated in my mind.
 

Just thought that I would post an update to anyone that cares. My tests all came back negative and nothing was found on the boob ultra sound. It really hasn't had pain in it though, so I am thinking that the meds the Dr gave me cleared up an infection by the cyst he felt. Matt's orthopedic Dr called this afternoon and said that all the blood tests for the inflammatory arthritis' came back negative, so that is good. His uric acid levels were a little high, but she said that does not mean gout. Also he is very defecient in Vit D and Calcium, which is odd, because the man loves his milk and cheese. Anyways, she is putting him on killer amounts of Vit D to get him caught up, after that he should be able to go on a multie vitamin. So, not all bad, hopefully, this will help him.

As for my depression. It is still there, but much better on this new dose of meds. Hopefully this will be it. I am starting to feel like a druggy. I am just sick of taking meds and I just want to be normal. Ah.... what is normal anyway? Being normal is highly over rated, so I have heard. The one thing that I can say, is I am actually enjoying the Christmas spirit this year. I have never really like this time of year, but this year is different. Maybe it is the kids, maybe the 80mg of Prozac or maybe I am coming to grips witht eh first Christmas memory I have... more on that later. The point is that I am happy and enjoying the season with my kids!

Yup, those are the words that came out of my almost 4 year olds mouth. Let me go back a bit.

My husband was preforming in a band at a church on Friday night. It was called "a Christmas Worship Project" and it was pretty awesome. Anyways, before it started Grace was sitting there talking with a teenager from another church. They were playing the "gotcha nose" game. Grace started saying, gotcha arms, gotcha hands and so one. Finally she reached out her two little hands and said, "Gotcha boobs!" Oh my word, I wanted to die. I think that it made it worse that we were in a church. I said, "Oh my word, did she just say what I thought she said?" The girl and her boyfriend were both blushing and laughing and shook their heads yes. "I am so sorry" I kept saying. Ah kids will be kids and embarrassed you I guess. The girl, Megan, really didn't seem to mind and kept telling me and everyone else there how freaking cute and adorable Grace was, so I guess the impact wasn't all that bad.

Yeah, ah ha, something you should NOT say to God.

I have been emotionally and physically spent. My depression kicked back in at full force and so did my asthma. On top of that I have a painful breast with lumps in it and discharge. Ya, something that needs to be looked at. My brother's 8 month old is having a procedure done next week to look to see if there is something on her vocal cords, my sister's 4 month old has an appointment with a GI Dr about blood in her stools that she has has almost since birth. My sister is having a very suspicious mark on her neck looked at tomorrow, it is very characteristic of melanoma. Oh, and I have a breast ultra sound on my breast. Yup, they are going to ultra sound my breast.

Anyways, I will feeling over confident one day and felt that God had dealt us all that he could deal it. My hubby and I were talking on IM about it and I said, I am ready for whatever God has planned, "Bing it on". Matthew said, you might want to be careful saying that. I said, "well", how much worse could it get. I think that I was on the high of my new dosage of Prozac, 80mg now. I don't think I can go any higher then that.

So, the next day Matt got really sick and had to stay home from work on Friday, on Saturday he was in immense pain with his hip and was bed ridden until last night. Sunday I start having this stabbing pain that I get on my left side and no Dr has bee able to figure it out. Monday, I took Matt to see an orthopedic specialist. They took x-rays and said that his back was perfect, so that was good news. The did confirm that my almost 29 year old hubby has arthritis in his right hip, but that it shouldn't be causing the ammount of pain that is was in. She also notice a "bone cyst" in his hip bone, but that is most always harmless. Tonight he is having an MRI done so they can rule out Avascular Necrosis. AVN is a disease resulting from the temporary or permanent loss of the blood supply to the bones. Without blood, the bone tissue dies and causes the bone to collapse. If the process involves the bones near a joint, it often leads to collapse of the joint surface. This is the most common hip issue in people our age so they wanted to rule it out. The good news it, if he does have it, it is in the early stages. We will find out on Monday the results, but the MRI isn't until 8:30 tonight. My depression kicked in really bad Saturday and Monday as if dealing witht he hubby and kids weren't enough. I have a mental illness, I am still getting used to that and have to remember that I am still in recovery. I haven't even been on my new dosage for 6 weeks yet, so more time is needed. I most definately will NOT say "Bring it on" to God again. I know He is doing this for a reason, um.... maybe to teach me not to challenge him, or maybe we wont know right away. Lesson learn on this end.

The good news is my Prolactin tests came back normal this morning, meaning the putatary gland in my brain is fine and does not have a tummor on it, so that is a sigh of relief. Tomorrow I have my breast ultra sound to look at those lumps and to investigate the pain. That should be fun. Hopefully this week will be behind us and we can focus on Christmas!

I hosted one yesterday at the church and one lady showed up with her 2 kids, 7 and 4. We were cleaning up and I had just seen Lo like a minute before hand, when we notice all was quiet and only the 7 year old was in the gym. Just as Cheyrl was going to look for them there was a knock at the door and there stood this women holding a baby, MY BABY! I dropped everything and ran and hugged her so tight and grabbed Lo and kissed him all over. He was headed for the busy road while eating a chocolate graham cracker. I felt like the worse mother in the whole world. I am so embarrassed, but relieved that Lo is OK. Anyways, Grace and the other 4 year old were missing also. I knew they had to be out there, because Logan cannot open that back door. It is just too big and heavy for him. Anyways, the 4 year old, Colyn had opened the door and let Logan out and had led Grace to play in their van. At least they were safe. God is great! and Lo's guardian angel was really watching out for him. They lady who stopped had put on on her emergency flashers to warn everyone and that had also attacked some attention. Our church secretary was coming into work and was caught in the mist of everything. Great, I am sure everyone will know now. I feel horrible.

I know, it has been a while since I posted last. I have had my ups and downs and my parents hate the fact that I am on medication and want me to stop taking them. Whatever! I am now on 60mg of prozac and 1mg of clonzapam. It seems to be doing the trick. I am still having bad days, but they are getting less and when I do have them I am actually handling them the right way! I will be on my new dosage 6 weeks the middle of November and I am patiently waiting that out. I am know going to my therapist every two weeks! Yay me! I have came a long way, that is for sure! I am understanding more and more why I am going through depression and I am learning to embrace it, not loath it. I am learning to embrace my depression and no longer am I embarssed about it! I feel like an alcaholic standing up at an AA meeting. "my name is Jennifer and I suffer depression". There has been a lot of good things that has came from this dark cloud in my life. My husband and I are communicating better, He has his first good friend in 10 years(when his best friend comitted sucide, I have gotten a good friend and reconnected with his mom. So, no, I wouldn't change a thing. I wish it didn't have to be this hard, but life "is was it is" and I truly believe that God has and is using my depression in great ways. I am not 100% yet, but look at myself as in remission.

I now realize that the "pefect" chilhood that I was taught that I had never excisted and I don't think that it does. Sure my parents were home with us, they were/are happiliy married, my dad is a pastor, my mom stayed at home with us, they didn't drink, they didn't smoke and all our needs were provided for. Sounds perfect, right? Well, it wasn't horrible. Just now I realize that my parents were controlling and NEVER gave us privicy. Mom listened into phone calls and went through our rooms and other stuff whenever she felt like it, even though she had no reason to distrust me, I never gave her one. I remember now feeling trapped has a teen and not able to be myself. That is why I suffered depression back then. Well, that and the fact that I found out the other day that my mom and her mom have suffered it too. Can anyone say, "genetics"? My parents don't believe that. They believe that I have spiritual issues, which is so not helpful. Anyways, back to childhood. My sisters tell my parents that should have been stricker on them because of mistakes they made. HELLO? My parents brought up up right, to know right from wrong, take some responsibility for you own actions and don't lay it all on them. I made mistakes, but they were my mistakes and I learned from them. If my parents were any stricker on me I would have left home. I thought about it on occasion, but never did it. I stuck to myself and withdrawled as much as possible in my suffacting environment. Yup, that is where is come from. I withdraw when I am going through depression, I guess I can pin point iut back that far. My parents never knew half of what I was feel as a youth and still don't, even if they did they wouldn't understand. I love my parents dearly, but some of their views about mental health issues are over the top conservative and scewed. I truly believe that my mom would do well on a dose of prozac. She would see just how much it helps.

It is good "feeling" again. Just "feeling" anything. Feeling in love with my hubby, feeling proud of my kids, feeling excited and overjoyed... just "feeling". I still have "numb" days, but they are getting less and less and easier to deal with. I have also discovered that it is OK to lay in bed and nap while the kids are in bed! That is a big step for me and one in the right direction. I will not become like my mother. Negative and down all the time. Did I mention that she used to shut herself in a closet and cry. She would always hide from us when she had enough. I will not be like that, no I won't!

I am reading a book by Chonda Pierce, called Laughing in the Dark. It is a great book and I recomend it to any women, depression or not. I have found so much comfort in her book.

I have not been alone since my little incident. Now I don't have the feeling of wishing that I did more damage, but now viewing it as not the smartest decision. I seem to have a "numb" feeling towards life, but today is a new day with new possibilities. I just want to enjoy life and enjoy my husband and my kids. All the blood work that my Dr did came back normal. He said that I am in good physical condition. So, I guess that means I am not in so great of mental condition. I am sick and tired of feeling anxious all the time and I am coming to grips with the fact that it just may be something I have to live with. Hopefully I will not have to have "babysitters" much longer. It means alot to me that people care that much, it really does, but I do miss being independent. I have had a chance to reconnect with my mother in-law and I really like that. I have felt so far away from her and feel that we never have time together. It took me cutting myself with a knife to get her over here. I had two c-sections and I don't think that she was over here as much as she has been for this.

I am a strong believer that all things happen for a reason and the same goes for this. It really has showed me the love and concern that I really do have from people around here. Some know the whole story and others just that I am depressed and can't be left alone. I am really going to try to pull things together for these people. The people that care.

Yup, that was yesterday. I had been doing so much better then had a sudden crash. It was a horrible day and I cried for most of it I think. I really don't know what triggered it. Maybe the new meds, maybe my period. Who knows. I ended up trying to hurt myself. I cut myself with a pocket knife that was in our bedroom. Well, tried to, the knife was only sharp enough to scratch me. I still wish that I did more damage, I just want to have bad physical pain and maybe, just maybe that will make me better. I want to feel/be normal again. I want to enjoy the best years of my life, my hubby's life and my kids childhood. I don't want to be a burden on my husband anymore. I know that this is far more then he ever signed up for. I just want something to be wrong with me to explain why I am depressed.

Matt took today off work which meant more to me then he will ever know. I called my therapist, but to my luck she was out of the office today, so we went to my GP. I haven't been out of Matt's sight all day long.  We talked to my GP about what happened and about my meds. We also mentioned the fact that my periods have only been on 23-24 day cycles. He ran blood work to check my thyroid and hormone levels. I doubt that he will find anything, but it is comforting to know that he cares enough to check.

I have an appointment with my therapist in the morning at 10am and I will talk to her adn be completely honest.I wasnt to feel better, I am sick of not feeling better and being on a freaking rollercoaster. I know that there will be set backs and maybe that is what this is. We also talked to my GP about upping my prozac at the time of my period. That may help if I have PMDD. I feel like I have a laundry list of issues. My MIL will be ridding with me to Roanoke because I don't want to make the hour drive by myself. I am to stay with her all day because I am not to be alone for the next few days. It kinda makes me feel like a child, but It needs to be done.

Tomorrow is a new day, with new possibilities. I am hopefully that I will feel better then.

Last week we found out that the Abilify that was prescribed to me by my GP was going to cost $150 a month. We just can't swing that, so I called my GP and he said to drop the Abilify, after all it was "only" a 2mg tablet. He said that if I felt like I needed to I could double up on the Prozac. Well, I took the last one on Tuesday and here we are at Saturday and I doubled up. I was starting to feel horrible and starting to fight thoughts of harming myself again, so I had to do something to stop it. I see the Physcatrist on Wednesday and he is going to review my meds and see what needs to be done with them. I am so looking fowrad to that. Matt is coming with me, so that will be nice. I am so glad that he will be there. I have a therapy apointment on Monday and I am also looking forward to that.

I just want to feel normal again. What is normal anyways? I hate feeling like this, I just hate it. I have been up and down more times then a rollercoaster and it is so tireing. I was looking back on my life before the kids and wondering if I will ever feel the way I did back them. Happy and loving life. I struggled with depression as a teen and just always rubbed it off as "normal" and the fact that my parent didn't get me. They still don't. I am not a robot like my siblings, nor will I ever be. I don't mindlessly agree with them on everything and I will not if I don't. I never pretend to be anyone I am not and never will. I am who I am and people who don't like it can deal. That may be harsh, but it is real. I love my family and friends with my whole heart and would do ANYTHING for them. I have an "e-mail" friend who I have become very close to this past year and the same goes for her. That is just who I am. I have a kind and geniune heart and share it with those around me. If all this is true then why am I dealing with this? I strugle with that every day. My husband and I love the Lord and are becoming very active in our church and I have a good life now and had a good life growing up. How is it possible that I am dealing with this? I have had people tell me that before and yes, this I know (no I am not Yoda), but I can't answer this question. It doesn't point to anything and that alone makes me feel bad. I am the kind of person that has to have a reason for everything and I don't for this. Not PPD now, not thyroid, anemia, diabetes... none of that. If I can't find a reason how can I make it better? Am I going to be in therapy and taking medicine my whole life? Why is God letting me go through this? Now that is the big one. I am praying and reading my Bible, I trust God 100% with my whole heart, but why am I still going through this? Maybe it is to help one of our teens, maybe to help one of my sisters or a friend if they get PPD. Maybe, to bring me close to my new friend Amber. I don't think that we would be as close as we are getting if I didn't break down and cry to her that night. I think that it is also helping my hubby understand me more and force me to lean on him every now and again. Those two things can be my ray of sunshine.