13 posts tagged “depression”

Yeah, ah ha, something you should NOT say to God.

I have been emotionally and physically spent. My depression kicked back in at full force and so did my asthma. On top of that I have a painful breast with lumps in it and discharge. Ya, something that needs to be looked at. My brother's 8 month old is having a procedure done next week to look to see if there is something on her vocal cords, my sister's 4 month old has an appointment with a GI Dr about blood in her stools that she has has almost since birth. My sister is having a very suspicious mark on her neck looked at tomorrow, it is very characteristic of melanoma. Oh, and I have a breast ultra sound on my breast. Yup, they are going to ultra sound my breast.

Anyways, I will feeling over confident one day and felt that God had dealt us all that he could deal it. My hubby and I were talking on IM about it and I said, I am ready for whatever God has planned, "Bing it on". Matthew said, you might want to be careful saying that. I said, "well", how much worse could it get. I think that I was on the high of my new dosage of Prozac, 80mg now. I don't think I can go any higher then that.

So, the next day Matt got really sick and had to stay home from work on Friday, on Saturday he was in immense pain with his hip and was bed ridden until last night. Sunday I start having this stabbing pain that I get on my left side and no Dr has bee able to figure it out. Monday, I took Matt to see an orthopedic specialist. They took x-rays and said that his back was perfect, so that was good news. The did confirm that my almost 29 year old hubby has arthritis in his right hip, but that it shouldn't be causing the ammount of pain that is was in. She also notice a "bone cyst" in his hip bone, but that is most always harmless. Tonight he is having an MRI done so they can rule out Avascular Necrosis. AVN is a disease resulting from the temporary or permanent loss of the blood supply to the bones. Without blood, the bone tissue dies and causes the bone to collapse. If the process involves the bones near a joint, it often leads to collapse of the joint surface. This is the most common hip issue in people our age so they wanted to rule it out. The good news it, if he does have it, it is in the early stages. We will find out on Monday the results, but the MRI isn't until 8:30 tonight. My depression kicked in really bad Saturday and Monday as if dealing witht he hubby and kids weren't enough. I have a mental illness, I am still getting used to that and have to remember that I am still in recovery. I haven't even been on my new dosage for 6 weeks yet, so more time is needed. I most definately will NOT say "Bring it on" to God again. I know He is doing this for a reason, um.... maybe to teach me not to challenge him, or maybe we wont know right away. Lesson learn on this end.

The good news is my Prolactin tests came back normal this morning, meaning the putatary gland in my brain is fine and does not have a tummor on it, so that is a sigh of relief. Tomorrow I have my breast ultra sound to look at those lumps and to investigate the pain. That should be fun. Hopefully this week will be behind us and we can focus on Christmas!

I know, it has been a while since I posted last. I have had my ups and downs and my parents hate the fact that I am on medication and want me to stop taking them. Whatever! I am now on 60mg of prozac and 1mg of clonzapam. It seems to be doing the trick. I am still having bad days, but they are getting less and when I do have them I am actually handling them the right way! I will be on my new dosage 6 weeks the middle of November and I am patiently waiting that out. I am know going to my therapist every two weeks! Yay me! I have came a long way, that is for sure! I am understanding more and more why I am going through depression and I am learning to embrace it, not loath it. I am learning to embrace my depression and no longer am I embarssed about it! I feel like an alcaholic standing up at an AA meeting. "my name is Jennifer and I suffer depression". There has been a lot of good things that has came from this dark cloud in my life. My husband and I are communicating better, He has his first good friend in 10 years(when his best friend comitted sucide, I have gotten a good friend and reconnected with his mom. So, no, I wouldn't change a thing. I wish it didn't have to be this hard, but life "is was it is" and I truly believe that God has and is using my depression in great ways. I am not 100% yet, but look at myself as in remission.

I now realize that the "pefect" chilhood that I was taught that I had never excisted and I don't think that it does. Sure my parents were home with us, they were/are happiliy married, my dad is a pastor, my mom stayed at home with us, they didn't drink, they didn't smoke and all our needs were provided for. Sounds perfect, right? Well, it wasn't horrible. Just now I realize that my parents were controlling and NEVER gave us privicy. Mom listened into phone calls and went through our rooms and other stuff whenever she felt like it, even though she had no reason to distrust me, I never gave her one. I remember now feeling trapped has a teen and not able to be myself. That is why I suffered depression back then. Well, that and the fact that I found out the other day that my mom and her mom have suffered it too. Can anyone say, "genetics"? My parents don't believe that. They believe that I have spiritual issues, which is so not helpful. Anyways, back to childhood. My sisters tell my parents that should have been stricker on them because of mistakes they made. HELLO? My parents brought up up right, to know right from wrong, take some responsibility for you own actions and don't lay it all on them. I made mistakes, but they were my mistakes and I learned from them. If my parents were any stricker on me I would have left home. I thought about it on occasion, but never did it. I stuck to myself and withdrawled as much as possible in my suffacting environment. Yup, that is where is come from. I withdraw when I am going through depression, I guess I can pin point iut back that far. My parents never knew half of what I was feel as a youth and still don't, even if they did they wouldn't understand. I love my parents dearly, but some of their views about mental health issues are over the top conservative and scewed. I truly believe that my mom would do well on a dose of prozac. She would see just how much it helps.

It is good "feeling" again. Just "feeling" anything. Feeling in love with my hubby, feeling proud of my kids, feeling excited and overjoyed... just "feeling". I still have "numb" days, but they are getting less and less and easier to deal with. I have also discovered that it is OK to lay in bed and nap while the kids are in bed! That is a big step for me and one in the right direction. I will not become like my mother. Negative and down all the time. Did I mention that she used to shut herself in a closet and cry. She would always hide from us when she had enough. I will not be like that, no I won't!

I am reading a book by Chonda Pierce, called Laughing in the Dark. It is a great book and I recomend it to any women, depression or not. I have found so much comfort in her book.

I have not been alone since my little incident. Now I don't have the feeling of wishing that I did more damage, but now viewing it as not the smartest decision. I seem to have a "numb" feeling towards life, but today is a new day with new possibilities. I just want to enjoy life and enjoy my husband and my kids. All the blood work that my Dr did came back normal. He said that I am in good physical condition. So, I guess that means I am not in so great of mental condition. I am sick and tired of feeling anxious all the time and I am coming to grips with the fact that it just may be something I have to live with. Hopefully I will not have to have "babysitters" much longer. It means alot to me that people care that much, it really does, but I do miss being independent. I have had a chance to reconnect with my mother in-law and I really like that. I have felt so far away from her and feel that we never have time together. It took me cutting myself with a knife to get her over here. I had two c-sections and I don't think that she was over here as much as she has been for this.

I am a strong believer that all things happen for a reason and the same goes for this. It really has showed me the love and concern that I really do have from people around here. Some know the whole story and others just that I am depressed and can't be left alone. I am really going to try to pull things together for these people. The people that care.

Yup, that was yesterday. I had been doing so much better then had a sudden crash. It was a horrible day and I cried for most of it I think. I really don't know what triggered it. Maybe the new meds, maybe my period. Who knows. I ended up trying to hurt myself. I cut myself with a pocket knife that was in our bedroom. Well, tried to, the knife was only sharp enough to scratch me. I still wish that I did more damage, I just want to have bad physical pain and maybe, just maybe that will make me better. I want to feel/be normal again. I want to enjoy the best years of my life, my hubby's life and my kids childhood. I don't want to be a burden on my husband anymore. I know that this is far more then he ever signed up for. I just want something to be wrong with me to explain why I am depressed.

Matt took today off work which meant more to me then he will ever know. I called my therapist, but to my luck she was out of the office today, so we went to my GP. I haven't been out of Matt's sight all day long.  We talked to my GP about what happened and about my meds. We also mentioned the fact that my periods have only been on 23-24 day cycles. He ran blood work to check my thyroid and hormone levels. I doubt that he will find anything, but it is comforting to know that he cares enough to check.

I have an appointment with my therapist in the morning at 10am and I will talk to her adn be completely honest.I wasnt to feel better, I am sick of not feeling better and being on a freaking rollercoaster. I know that there will be set backs and maybe that is what this is. We also talked to my GP about upping my prozac at the time of my period. That may help if I have PMDD. I feel like I have a laundry list of issues. My MIL will be ridding with me to Roanoke because I don't want to make the hour drive by myself. I am to stay with her all day because I am not to be alone for the next few days. It kinda makes me feel like a child, but It needs to be done.

Tomorrow is a new day, with new possibilities. I am hopefully that I will feel better then.

Last week we found out that the Abilify that was prescribed to me by my GP was going to cost $150 a month. We just can't swing that, so I called my GP and he said to drop the Abilify, after all it was "only" a 2mg tablet. He said that if I felt like I needed to I could double up on the Prozac. Well, I took the last one on Tuesday and here we are at Saturday and I doubled up. I was starting to feel horrible and starting to fight thoughts of harming myself again, so I had to do something to stop it. I see the Physcatrist on Wednesday and he is going to review my meds and see what needs to be done with them. I am so looking fowrad to that. Matt is coming with me, so that will be nice. I am so glad that he will be there. I have a therapy apointment on Monday and I am also looking forward to that.

I just want to feel normal again. What is normal anyways? I hate feeling like this, I just hate it. I have been up and down more times then a rollercoaster and it is so tireing. I was looking back on my life before the kids and wondering if I will ever feel the way I did back them. Happy and loving life. I struggled with depression as a teen and just always rubbed it off as "normal" and the fact that my parent didn't get me. They still don't. I am not a robot like my siblings, nor will I ever be. I don't mindlessly agree with them on everything and I will not if I don't. I never pretend to be anyone I am not and never will. I am who I am and people who don't like it can deal. That may be harsh, but it is real. I love my family and friends with my whole heart and would do ANYTHING for them. I have an "e-mail" friend who I have become very close to this past year and the same goes for her. That is just who I am. I have a kind and geniune heart and share it with those around me. If all this is true then why am I dealing with this? I strugle with that every day. My husband and I love the Lord and are becoming very active in our church and I have a good life now and had a good life growing up. How is it possible that I am dealing with this? I have had people tell me that before and yes, this I know (no I am not Yoda), but I can't answer this question. It doesn't point to anything and that alone makes me feel bad. I am the kind of person that has to have a reason for everything and I don't for this. Not PPD now, not thyroid, anemia, diabetes... none of that. If I can't find a reason how can I make it better? Am I going to be in therapy and taking medicine my whole life? Why is God letting me go through this? Now that is the big one. I am praying and reading my Bible, I trust God 100% with my whole heart, but why am I still going through this? Maybe it is to help one of our teens, maybe to help one of my sisters or a friend if they get PPD. Maybe, to bring me close to my new friend Amber. I don't think that we would be as close as we are getting if I didn't break down and cry to her that night. I think that it is also helping my hubby understand me more and force me to lean on him every now and again. Those two things can be my ray of sunshine.

I had my third therapy appointment yesterday and it went well. I always feel so rejuvenated by our sessions. I am so lucky to find a therapist that I like on the first shot. We talked about the fact that I can't handle any stress and about my "episode" or "crash" on Saturday. She said that I have something called agitated depression and that I possibly had an anxiety attack. I am feeling so much better today and hope that continues even with the stress of the children. I also slept well last night which is a major plus for me. My therapist also said that I had issues with wanting to be a perfectionist. Me, nahhhhhh..... afterall I am one step ahead Mary Popins, she was only practically perfect. I really do need to work on letting the house go and taking care of myself. I have the hardest time doing that and that doesn't help my stress level. My therapist thought that it was so funny when I said that I have OC without the D. I pride myself on that saying.

I guess that I need to "chill". It is really one of those things that I honestly struggle with. It is so hard for me to relax. I always have to be on the go or doing housework. Maybe it's add, a prefectionist complex, OCD, who knows, but something has got to give and I am the only one who can do that.

I have been thinking about posting for some times, but have to be careful because I never really know what "Jenny" will come out these days. Will it be the "bad" one or the "good" one. I am feeling better sadness wise these days, but my stress level is still on the line. My Dr put me on two new meds to help and it has been barely a week, so hopefully with time they will kick in more.

I had my second therapy session yesterday and it went good. She really put into perspective my issues with my MIL. I have been somewhat self involved lately that I haven't stopped to think what she may be going through. I think that she is spent, she has nothing left to give by the time that it gets around to us. There is so much put on her by her sons and husband that I think she is just over it when it comes to me and my issues, which is totally understandable. My daughter stayed over there last night and I think that it was so good for her. When I called this morning her and Grace were snuggling in bed watching TV. That is the best! So, realizing all this has made me less angry at her and I am trying to understand a little more.

Another thing that I have been dealing with is a message board for mothers that I run. It is a small message board with a select few of us. It was created to be a safe environment for us to share our thoughts, feelings, frustrating and vents. There was an innocent vent post that exploded into people unintentionally hurting other people feelings. Me being a moderator and administrator, meaning I run the site, felt that i needed to step in. By locking and deleting posts I apparently upset a lot of people and I am sorry for that, but I in no way regret my decision. I know that it was the right choice to make. In response to me doing that I was confronted in a very public way which has made me feel unwanted. I just wish that it was brought to my attention privately. I thought that this lady mad some excellent points in her post and appreciated the first half of it. I feel bad that a lot of women have been hurt, but I do know that after things die down people will be back. The thing about online is sometimes people forget that there are actual people with feelings on the other end. Also, you can never tell tone and how something it really meant when typed out. I am a people reader. I read people as they are talking and you can tell a lot from body language. That makes a huge difference. Right now I feel that I need to step back for a bit and let things die down. It seems like they already are, but I just need to de-stress my life right now and get myself centred. I am still extremely sensitive and stressed and that is no state to be responding in such ways that I would most definatley regret later on. I think that a fellow board member said it best when she said, bitching about our lives but not bitching about each other.Now, I don't condone the language, but it is a great concept. I think that all of us are just extremely stressed right now, after all we are mothers, who isn't stressed?!

All this said and done, I love my online friends and absolutley love the support that I have been getting fromt hem through out my depression. I have to admit that this has been the lowest point of my life and I am glad that each and everyone of them were there.

OK, here is a praise to end this post. Matt got a 10% raise!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just in time too. Yay! Praise the Lord, I just prayed for it yesterday morning and God answered it that afternoon.

I had my first one on Monday. This week has been a crazy week filed of running around and now my son is sick. I think that it may be an ear infection.

Anyways, back to me. I absolutely loved the therapist and hope that I continue to. She said that I have a lot of stress right now especially with being a SAHM, because I have little conversation with adults. She said that she no longer thinks that it is PPD, but most likely plain old depression or clinical depression. OK, tell me something I don't know. I am going once a week for a month, then we will go from there. I am excited about my next appointment. She said that I need to see a Dr about changing my meds, so I am going to do that tomorrow. I asked her about going off of them and she said, absolutely not at this time.

I am doing better today, I have been out and about and had lunch with a friend and another came over for a bit, so that was nice and just what I needed. I think that my depression is coming from stress, extreme stress. I guess that I never realize until the therapist said somehting about it how much I have been through and how much stress I am under. I guess that I have never thought of it that way. I see my present, my wonderful hubby, 2 beautiful rambuncious kids and a 3lb Chiuahua. I guess that I expect too much of myself and do a lot for my family and asked them to do little for me. I need to start reaching out to my hubby for help

I wanted to blog about this early, but I forgot. I have been having troubles keeping everything straight and remembering everything. Anyways, here it goes.

Sunday I blogged about my "break down". Although it was bad, it brought to light a lot of things especially for my husband. I finally feel that he finally gets it. Before Saturday we both put off talking to Lew which we did the next day. Because of both of these things, my husband now realizes just how bad it is. He now realizes that I do need to talk to a therapist. Last night he apologized to me for taking it so lightly and telling me that I was fine when I  told him I felt it coming on. I feel that he finally understands to the extent I think that he can. I know that he can't understand completely, being as he has never been through what I have been through before. For the first time in forever he took the kids while I went and got a hair cut and just spent some time out and I didn't feel like I was putting him out.  Also when he asks me how I am feeling I actually thinks he wants an honest answer, not just, I am great. No sighing and huffing and puffing, if I say I am feeling horrible, just concern. He came up and hugged me `yesterday and said that he loved me and there was a whole new meaning to it. He also has told me that if I am feeling like not going somewhere emotionally that he will stay with me and that if we can't take the kids and take get a sitter we will take turns at going. I am glad that he is taking assertiveness with this, because I sure haven't. I could have said, you need to stay home or how about I go this time, but I didn't. Please, don't get me wrong, my hubby is wonderful with "normal" everyday issues, but this is something that is new to both of us. We are working through it step by step.

The other thing that came from my "break down" was me understanding, really understanding, how this is affecting my family and life. It is actually interfering with my every day life. My relationship with my hubby was really suffering and I never realized just how hard this was on him. I never stopped to put myself in his shoes. I am not "his Jenny", as he says, right now and that can't be good for anyone. I also realized the toll this is taking on my kids, especially my daughter. I am supposed to be the strong one and here she is having to comfort me, the mommy. I think that it could have something to do with the sleep issues that we are having with her. If I lay down next to her, usually she will fall right to sleep.

Things are definitely on the right track.

I am going to therapy. I never thought that I ever would, but here I go. August 12th at 2:45pm is my first appointment. I am nervous and anxious and really don't know what to expect. I have been brought up my whole lives really against psychiatrist or counselors, Christian or non. I was always told to seek the help of a pastor or someone in the church. I am doing what I believe is the right thing to do. We have found a good Christian practice about an hour from here and my insurance will cover it to some degree so that is a plus. I never thought that I would end up in therapy. I have had a good life and I good childhood. We didn't have a lot of money growing up, but never wanted for anything. My parents spent time with us, we went on outings and they played games with us. Who would have thought that someone like me would end up here. After all I am a pastor's kid shouldn't I know everything about not being depressed there is to know. No, I shouldn't. That is the mentality that may parents have. One reason that they, to this day, do not know that I suffered with depression and harming myself as a teen. My parents were a little over protective and maybe a little too involved in our personally affairs. I don't think that they gave us the space we needed. I moved a lot as a child and even after I got married, so the insecurity of not really having a home as always been there. I lost my best friend at the age of 10 and not long after that, my other best friend found her baby brother dead in his room. My Grandfather died when I was 13 and I took that hard. When I was 17, Matt and I lost a friend of ours to suicide. He was Matt's best friend. There is one more thing, some that I hate to admit. Something that took me years to admit and something that still makes my spine shutter when I see this person. I was molested by a cousin when I was 10 years old. This cousin was the same age as me. It happened a few times and then we moved back to New Zealand. I dreaded moving back to the US for that reason. I have worked through it. I guess that I felt it was my fault because I didn't stop it even though I tried. Just admiting this is a HUGE step for me. Only my husband and a close friend I had in college knew this. I know that there are many people who have been through way worse and maybe all these things have nothing to do with what I am going through, maybe it is strictly hormonal, maybe it is a combination, but the one thing that I am certain of, is that I am doing the right thing in going to therapy. One step closer to recovery.